Scars
by Rage.edit
Summary: Sara always wondered why Grissom did'nt like october 31st now finding a box of old photos the evidence is clear.  Rated M.Not just for smut.GSR
1. Little Bug

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**Author's BS: I'm starting a new story...again.**  
**sorry it's not beta-ed ( I wanted this up tonight and forgot to send it to ILJ) so there will be mistakes...I am Dyslexic and Dyspraxic and Dysgraphic after all.**  
**If there are mistakes I trully am sorry.**  
**I was thinking of re-writing little bug 'cause I don't like it... in fact I hate it so I'm doing it all over again...but following cannon this time and this one I think is a little more realistic since it's based off reality.**  
**This will be rated M for later.  
GSR? of course my horse**  
**if you don't like me or my stories don't read past this. **

**As always I don't own CSI and if I did catherine would'nt have sex with vartann and wendy would'nt have left and rob zombie would have directed a vegas epi, not yucky miami with the sun-glass weilding paperbag clown and there would be MORE GSR AND MORE LADY HEATHER. **

**okay I know i'm not the greatest writer... I'm no ILoveJorja but i'm asking for 3-5 reviews more will be apriciated if I don't get 3 you won't get part2.**

**here we go...**

**SCARS chapter 1: a box of stuff**

_Gil I'm leaving...I don't want you anywhere near our son, I know it's selfish but I think it's for the best. If you can't take care of me you can't take care of our son. I don't want money so don't bother.  
I think us was a mistake, you'd be better off without 'd be better off without you  
Take care  
Rebecca  
_

Very early on in their relationship, Sara wondered what Grissom did on October 31st.  
She had no Idea it involved a bottle of Jack and a faded old picture, hurtful memories of his past.  
Every year he would take off for an hour, returning smelling of bourbon and smoke. Sara wondered if he was sneaking off to play poker...but in fact _it was_ the Real reason he could play poker.

She never brought it up...there was never a reason to; he was always fine the day after even if he did have a hang over.  
Grissom never told her his secret...even after they were married. Grissom did exactly the same in Costa Rica...October 31st he disappeared into the jungle with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a full pack of cigarettes returned exactly an hour later smelling of smoke and bourbon.

Sara found out what her husband did on Halloween...but a clue not a clue as to why?  
Grissom was still in Paris., and sara was back in Vegas. when She found the reason why by .

Clearing out some junk from the garage one day, Sara came across a battered old shoe box from way back. She Carefully lifted off its dusty lid and she almost fainted when she found what was in it. Her hand very shakily lifted the fading yellow paper. Etched upon its surface she couldn't fathom to be true...why the fuck didn't he tell her? Is this real?

**_Child's Name, Jackson Daniel Garrett  
Sex, male  
Date of birth, monday 31__st _**

_____**October 1977**  
**Father, Gilbert Daniel Grissom**_

"What should we call him?...and not anything bug-ish"Whispered beckkie as she looked down at her sleeping son  
"I was atually thinking Jackson after your dad and Daniel after me" Grissom whispered back  
"Cool" she leaned over and kissed Grissom on the lips.

Sara's eyes scaned over the page again and again, stopping at the same spot.  
1977? He would have been just out of collage... 21?

Under the birth certificate was a scattering of photographs all of _this__mini Grissom_.  
The first thing she noticed was that the child had her husband's chin and jaw even his hair.

His strong rounded jaw with that cute little dimple in his chin. Jackson also had Grissom's eyes not really his eye colour yet but the shape... the picture couldn't have been taken more than a few hours after his birth, since eyes were still a very dark blue... All new and Innocent. His hair, fluffy and dark brown in tiny curls just like his _daddy_ there was no doubt about that.

He was everything Sara could ever imagine Grissom's child to look like.  
The next photo was of a very young Gil Grissom holding the little blue bundle smiling at the camera.

"_Here honey" said young gil to his girlfriend handing her the camera, while he cradled the bundle in his arms, Gil Grissom felt happy, he felt complete.  
"gil no you gonna make him epileptic"  
"Rebecca there is no scientific proof to that, just take the picture"  
"Smile" she said as he held his son in his arms_

looked so happy, she'd never seen him that happy, ever. She looked at the next photo, this one was much later.  
Jackson looked 2-3 months old the colouring in his eyes just starting to show, it was evident that he had heterochromia.

His left eye dark chocolate brown possibly like his mothers and his right eye a clear ocean blue like his father. On his face a sweet little smile. Sara turned the photograph over, in Grissom's beautiful hand, written on the back it read  
_Jacks first smile for daddy 21__st__ December 1977_.

There were more pictures more or less the same but one tugged at her heart. It was a 3 month-old Jackson with a small butterfly on his nose going cross eyed trying to focus on it. Written on the back of that was _Future entomologist? 29__th__ January 1978._After that there were no more photos of him as a baby. The next ones where of a gap-toothed 5 year old with thick curly hair grinning at the camera wearing a Chicago cubs shirt and a baseball mitt in hand with a Grissom with matching shirt smiling at the camera too.  
She put the photos down.

HE HAD A KID...A WHOLE LIFE BEFORE HER A Son that had been taken away from him. Really why didn't he tell her? She put the photos and the papers back in the box and brought the box into the kitchen.  
Was this was the reason for the sneaking off on Halloween... his obviously dead son's birthday.  
That's why cases with kids' especially little boys... hit him so hard?  
She had to confront him.

Later that week Sara went to Paris to see her husband, she took the box with her.  
"I brought some things over for you" she pulled things out of her suit case and placed them on the counter, the shoe box she pulled out last.  
"Like what I though there wasn't much stuff left?"Grissom wasn't really taking notice as he shooed hank into the spare bedroom.  
"well...condoms" she smirked as she tossed them to him, then she cleared her throat "and Since it's Halloween soon I brought you some jack and a pack of smokes"

He'd been caught.

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TBC and remeber reveiw...please and thankyou.  
:) :) happy halloweeen...muhahahah!


	2. antidote

**it's short I know...I was doing coursework shit and I could'nt write on the bus because it was packed so here's just a little bit.**  
**part 3 will be up some time this week. thanks to all those who reveiwed.**

**i want 2-4 reveiws this time scince I have less.**  
**and this chapter may get re-written**

**Chapter 2:the antidote**

"Sara I-" he stammered as he tried to explain.  
"Gil, don't even bother with excuses" Warned Sara handing him the blue shoe box. Grissom took the box and stared at the lid. He didn't want to see what was inside, it hurt to see pictures of him; knowing he could never have him, knowing he'd probably never see him again.

"You could have trusted me with this" he barely heard her. Grissom was to transfixed with the box. The box he hadn't opened in years.  
"It hurts to talk about him" he mumbled back. Gil took a deep breath then opened the lid, a time capsule of his boy, all the way back to watched his silent ritual as he pushed the lid to the floor staring into the box.

"Talking eases the pain, honey .I promise" Sara soothed placing a warm hand on his arm.  
Grissom slumped to the floor with a humph, placing his back against the wall. Sara slumped down next to him.

"Our relationship wasn't great, I was more into the bugs, but I loved her and I thought it would work" he looked into the box again pulling out the picture with him and his baby.  
"Then Jackson came along" With tears slowly presenting themselves he caressed the picture with his little finger. It was all he could do.  
"You know Jack was the only good thing me and her created...and she took him away-" Grissom couldn't hold back the tears any longer .

Sara held her husband as he mourned for the child he never really lost, but the child he never really knew either.

Chicago 1982

_"DADDY!" Gil Grissom walked on; his boy would not call him daddy, _his _boy wouldn't be old enough to remember him. A 3 month old wouldn't remember him but he'd remember him._  
_The ball of fluff almost took him off his feet. Hugging his leg "DADDY"_  
_his boy called him daddy  
_

present day

A little later they sat huddled together looking through the pictures of Jackson.  
"These were taken at his first baseball game 1982" he chuckled at the memory of the antics they got up to in those photos. "the Cubs lost but he was so happy" tears threatened to fall again.

"Rebecca agreed to me taking him to the game, we spent the whole day together I even tucked him at bed time" he hesitated then sniffled "I promised him I'd be back for his birthday" a lone tear slid down his face. "And... When I got there...she'd took him away from me again"  
and he broke down again in his wife's arms . Each sob stronger than the last.

His crying hadn't even stopped as he took claim of Sara's lips. His kisses hard but gentle. Needy but full of love. Now she finally understood Gilbert Grissom. Why it took him so long to give in, that it took him so long to realise he needed her.  
his kisses moved to her neck licking and sucking.

"I miss him...and I missed you but I can have you...I can't have him" his kisses were becoming even more desperate as he divested her of her clothes.  
he mumbled something about beauty as he entered her. She didn't notice much, it hurt to see him like this...overcome with need to just be in someone?

It hit home when he climaxed inside her.  
she's only 6 years older than Jackson!

**TBC**


	3. Hurt

Okay peoples forensics is getting heavy now I have an assingment due in every week thus chapters are getting Muse is running away to go play with the Hydrogen Peroxide and the ALS in a chipshop...lots of fun.I had a mock crime scene and it took me 2 hours to find a peice of IM SO ANGRY and I think it's showing...I like torturing people.  
But I'm spreading it out so I at least have something to post.  
Thanks to all those who reveiwed espesialy (I spelt that wrong) ILJ who rocks, SylvieT who also kabcsi...where were you? you said you'd review :(  
2-5 reveiws more will be apriciated  
Here we goooo

They lay still on the living room floor for what felt like forever. Grissom resting his head on his wife's chest, Sara cradling his head between her breasts stroking his curls. His breathing was evening out and his body weight was becoming heavier as Grissom slipped into sleep.

Sara ran her hand over his face.  
"Gil, baby wake up...let's get you to bed" She slowly got his body up off her and led him to their bedroom, where he dropped is dead weight onto the bed. She covered him up, turned to leave the room when she felt Grissom's Iron grip on her wrist.

"Please don't leave me" he whispered, his voice lost like a little child. It Pained Sara to see such a strong man such as Gil; who knew what he wanted, so lost.  
When Grissom fell asleep in her arms, it was only then she allowed the tears to fall.

She was sorry. Sorry for all the nasty things she said; that he didn't feel anything and he was a hurtful bastard that didn't care about the victim's families. That he was allergic to kids. She knew why he distanced himself. He wasn't incapable to do those things it was because it hurt him so much.

She was sobbing now, she had to get out of bed or she'd wake him.  
How could someone claim to love him, have a kid then leave him taking the child they created; a part of him Away.

All the pain she'd caused leaving him more than once, pushing him when he didn't want to be pushed. There was at least one thing other than being a wife that loved him that she could do. She could find his son.

The phone had been ringing for at least a minute, one more ring then she was going to hang up.  
Then finally he picked up  
"Jim!"she said enthusiastically  
"Sara?"He replied his voice full of sleep, She'd just woke him up.

"I'm so sorry...go back to sleep...I'll call back later" she sniffled  
"No I'm awake now... you okay?"  
"No not really Jim...I've hurt him, I've really hurt him Jim I'm just like her" Brass had all sorts of scenarios running through his head. Had she stabbed him in his sleep like _her?  
_"How?"  
"Every time I left I hurt him more than I thought" she nearly yelled over the phone.

"What are you talking about?"  
"Gil has a Son, Jim"  
"I don't understand?"  
"I can't explain...I just need you to do me a favour"  
"okay, shoot"  
"Look up the name Jackson Daniel Garrett, Born October 31st 1977, brown hair, brown and blue eyes about probably 5'10, all-states, dead and living but whatever you do don't tell anyone."  
"Okay...I'll get back to you" she put down the phone took a deep breath and.  
"Who were you talking to?" said the voice behinde her


	4. Pandora's Box

**Okay this is early for me.**  
**I got this book on entomology...and I love I love bugs and I've got an a assignment on entomlogy wich is sooo coool.**  
**so anyway...any problems regarding the story PM me as always.**  
**Thanks for the reviews 7 reveiws awwww I love you guys :) and so far I have 18 reveiws wich is what I got for all ten chapters of Little bug.**  
**I would like 3-6 reviews minimum. AND kabcsi that means you too.**  
**Here we gooo!**

"Who were you talking to?" Said the voice behind her.  
Sara jumped a mile, what did she do? Did she tell him what she was doing? Or did she keep it secret?  
She decided.  
"Catherine"

Grissom looked at his wife he knew she was lying. She always rubbed her knee when she wasn't telling the truth.  
"You said you'd hurt me?"Grissom croaked coming to sit down beside her. She turned to face him placing a warm hand just above his beard stroking the skin there with her thumb. Locking eyes with him she whispered tenderly.

"I have Gil...I have and I don't want to do it again, our whole relationship has been about hurting each other" Something snapped in him and he flinched from her touch. Then he stood up and looked at her accusingly.

"Well Do you think going behind my back is going to solve anything?"He spat with venom "I don't even fucking know what rights you had snooping around in that box" He stormed off into the the bedroom slamming the door behind him. She'd never ever seen him this angry, he'd never swore at her before he never took his temper out on her. Yes they did have arguments but never this stormed after him only to find the wedged shut against his body weight.

"Do you seriously think that I did it on Purpose?"She yelled through the door She sunk to the floor head in hands, against the door "I thought you would have done this a long time ago" Sara Muttered  
"But evidently you spent most of the child's life boozing and smoking on Halloween" She was angry not just at him for being pig stubborn but at herself for making such a stupid mistake. She started this argument.

"Do you have any Idea How hard this is for me?" "A secret I've kept for over 30 years Living with the fact That He could be dead, calling someone else daddy...something I created that is'nt mine" She could hear his voice breaking and feel his sobs through the door It hurt her so much that she couldn't hold him. "the fact that my entire fucking life is a failure and you and Jackson are the only good things that ever happened to me" Gil had it in his head that It was all his fault he blame himself... that he and Becky split was his fault, It was his fault he lost jack.

"Gil, you are not a failure...you never screwed us up" She pleaded, but he didn't listen.  
"Sara...I almost got you killed...because I wanted to keep us a secret... I was thinking of me" Every word Grissom spoke was so full of self hatred...that she just wanted to grab hold of him and shake him and tell him that he was wrong.

"Gil you can't blame yourself"  
"Then I slept with heather...pretending she was you" He murmured just loud enough for Sara to hear through the door. She was angry...she wanted to scream at him but she knew when he meant. When she said in her words that basically it was over.

"Which is what I did before" He continued talking about before they actually got together "I paid her to pretend to be you" She closed her eyes causing painfully hot tears to fall down her face...she wished she hadn't found that box. It was her week off it was suppose to be happy not an angst rollercoaster. He carried on through the tears "Because I was too fucking screwed up to put all my insecurities aside and tell you that I love you"

He was speaking with no emotion just self hatred and bitterness about himself, talking about the past bringing all those scars that were fully healed; Screaming open. "You Were doing the same with hank pretending he was me...Pretending you loved him when really you were the other woman" Sara had enough she wanted her husband back. Her happy husband who could ramble aimlessly about bugs and still entertain her. The happy husband that all along was a mask covering his deepest scars the one's that hadn't really healed.

"Gil don't do this" She begged as the tears were falling freely, on both her face and his.  
"You started drinking because of what I did" Again he continued the bitterness "Jackson was the reason I met you" Jackson was the reason he was like he was.  
The bedroom door clicked and opened a fraction. She walked in finding the room totally dark And found her husband in the closet She knelt down in front of him like she would a little child. Grissom's eyes were glazed, tear stained, empty and unfocused as he spoke the words that nearly killed her "The reason why you're better off without me" she slumped down next to Grissom and cried in his arms as he did the same. they rocked against each other soothing what had happened in the last 20 minutes. After the crying ceased Sara spoke.

"Yeah gil your right maybe I am better off without you...but I'm not gonna leave you again" She kissed his nose, each cheek then rested her forehead on his stared in to his eyes, his bright blue eyes, sad eyes. She was desperate to see his smile again. Sara chuckled as she thought of something to cheer him up "I choose you Pikachu" that did it. He remembered the morning they first made love as they lay in post coital bliss watching T.V with the funny looking yellow creature. He chuckled along with her then his smile quickly turned to tears again.  
He tried to turn away to hide his tears but she grabbed his face keeping her eyes locked with his "For better or for worse remember" reciting their wedding vows"para bien o para mal" she said in her best spanish.

He smiled briefly then he buried his head into her shoulder.  
"I miss my baby Sara" Grissom snuffled against her neck, closing his eyes as tight as he could wishing the tears would stop.  
"I know, I know" Sara stroked the soft curls of his head as she promised "We will find him.. we'll get there in the end we always do" He kissed her hard with so much love...so much he started crying again he snuggled back into her neck.

"I'm sorry I-" he choked up "I can't stop crying" because he'd been crying so much he started hiccupping. Her big strong husband so vulnerable and child like. She understood it now. He'd grown up way too fast. He was barely 21 when he became a father, barely a man.  
"Come here you big Bug" She tugged him closer kissed the top of his head and hoped to hell that brass had good news.

**TBC**


	5. In the closet

**Soy sorry for the delay...**  
**thank-you all for the reviews here is CHAPTER 5.  
3 or more reviews...peas and chips or you won't get part 6**

They were still in the closet, still curled up together.  
Just staring at the wall in front of them. Something was eating at Grissom. He **had** spent most of the boys life drinking. He thought it was better that way, yes it hurt like a bitch but the boy was better off not knowing him.

He hoped that brass didn't find him; Sara was just trying to be a good wife and stop him from hurting. Finding him would only dig up more scars and bring more pain. He didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't want that.

Grissom had spent nearly thirty years coming to terms with the fact that, yes his baby boy was better off dead.  
"Have you ever shot anyone, Sara?" her head flew up meeting his blue blood shot eyes in the poor light.  
"No" she murmured "Have you?"  
"Three" The first man he shot was a junkie, totally out of his mind. Gil had only been on the job a few weeks. He was brandishing a gun and waved it around at Gil, the man fired a shot aimed at brass and Gil shot him back. Empted the magazine of his berretta.

The second time, he shot Jim brass in the foot at the shooting range.  
The third was the last time he felt safe carrying a gun.  
1994.  
It was a boy trying to break into his home he shot him once in the chest. He had one brown eye and one blue, stubble upon his chin. He was convinced it was Jackson. He even had the DNA tech run a test against his DNA, inconclusive match.

"You think you shot Him?" spoke Sara.  
"When I shot him, I felt a pang in my chest...it felt like guilt, at the same time I felt happy, relived" How could a father say that? He wanted his son dead?  
"Because you knew where he was?"  
"Yes because I knew it was by my hand...not some monster"  
"Is that why you don't like carrying guns?"  
He spoke a desperate plea.

"I don't want you to find him" she cradled him her arms again like she did before. What did this _Becky_ do to him to hurt him so very very much? To have him convinced, that he didn't want his son.  
"Tell me about Becky?"

Gil met Rebecca Garrett in his first year in college, he quickly fell in love. Rebecca wasn't so sure.  
The cracks in their relationship started showing about six months in, she started asking for money.

He gave it to her willingly, never protested. But still she complained that he never gave her anything.  
At one point he was giving her $300 dollars a week. He barely had enough to get by. While she was spending the money on drugs. She wanted more.

They always used protection when it came to sex but Becky came up with an evil plan to place a small hole in every condom in their little apartment, determined to have a child so she could get more money. And it happened, they conceived Jackson.  
"I never felt so happy, that I was going to be a father" but he never knew the true reason for his son.

He told his mother the good news, she was just as happy as him but she told him to marry Becky so that if she did try to take the child of him he would have more of a chance of winning custody over his child. He didn't listen.  
Rebecca asked for more money, he didn't have any. She threatened to leave him then, so he went to Vegas playing poker in the little backrooms winning big. He went to the Rampart and played blackjack...cleared the dealer on the way out he was escorted to the box. He was told that he wasn't welcome at the Rampart anymore.

Jackson finally came along...Becky was ready for leaving, she had enough money to go far away and three months later she did.  
It broke his heart that he could be such a fool...so blind. She never loved him. She used him.

"Aw Gil" She pulled him closer kissed his head, stroked his cheek.  
"I don't want you to find him...leave him alone" He didn't want to find his son. Not because he reminded him of her...he looked nothing like her. He reminded him that he was a fool, a blind fool.  
What kind of child would want a father that was fool?

"He wouldn't understand...he would see you for you...his daddy" She tried to persuade him.  
"Why couldn't you have just left the box alone?" he cried as he buried his head in his hands.  
"I was trying to help you"

"Can't we just go back to how it was? Just me and you in Paris?"He asked  
"It never was just you and me" she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder "Was it?"  
"Leave me, Sara...go back to Vegas" She could believe he was saying this. She couldn't leave him in this state...she couldn't leave him.  
The phone rang in the other room; she left in search of it. Leaving Gil alone in the dark.  
"Please be dead" he said to himself

**TBC**


	6. As I lay Dying

**Sorry guys that this is short...It was spost to be part of the previous chapter but it did'nt quite fit.**  
**So I posted it as a sperate chapter.**  
**Please review...please and thankyou.**  
**Thanks to those who reviewed I'll get around to replying to them sooon.**  
**Here we go! oh Kabcsi I kinda pinched something you said in that last review...hope you don't mind. :]  
**  
Please be dead!

Please be dead!

Please be dead!

"Hello Jim" said Sara in the other room.

"Please be dead" Whispered Grissom to himself. He heard Sara move again in the other room.  
Grissom slowly crept out of the closet and picked up the phone at the side of the bed from there he could listen to the conversation...but he'd have to be quiet.

Please be dead!

He wanted the boy to be dead. At least he didn't have to go through life's troubles without a father  
"I have the information you asked for" spoke Jim through the phone.

Please be dead!  
Grissom kept chanting it...like a mantra.  
Jackson would be better dead...it would be easier to explain. He grew up without a father. Jackson grew up without a dad and if he was dead...he wouldn't have to suffer.

"Alive or dead?" asked Sara. She wanted Jackson alive not dead...maybe Grissom would accept it and learn to love his son. But he already loved his son. Maybe forget the fact that he was a fool... that he had made something good. Deep down she knew he wanted Jackson alive.

Please be dead!

Screamed one half of Grissom's mind.  
The other screamed PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD.

There was a long pause then again brass spoke.  
"Dead" it was said with remorse and regret that could be sensed even through a phone. At those words Sara's heart lurched with sadness...and also regret. She'd built Grissom up for nothing...to be told his son.  
His baby boy.  
His only son was lying in a cold grave somewhere being eaten by the things that Grissom loves also.

The Irony that the thing he created being eaten by a thing he loves.  
"How do I tell him that? How did he die?"Asked Sara. Grissom could hear the tears in her voice.  
He wanted to cry. He didn't really want his boy to be dead. Life isn't fair.  
"Murdered...Unsolved" Brass rambled on.

"How long ago?" How long was it was it recently? Was he still a child? Did Grissom actually shoot his own son?  
"2005 Sunday April 5th"  
OH...my...god .  
That _Sunday_.  
Not that day please.

While his son was dying. He was fucking his brains out.  
While Jackson left the was on his back with Sara's mouth around his Dick. Screaming her name.

"Shit, how do I tell him this?" Sara's eyes went wide...because seriously how was she going to tell him that Jackson was dead.  
"I've emailed some stuff through for you...Information on his brother and His son and some contact information and the case file of Jackson...I thought maybe I could have it reopened"  
Jackson Had a son? A boy that would never know his father.  
It must be a Grissom tradition.

His father wasn't there, he wasn't there for his son and Jackson was never there for his. A True Grissom Tradition.  
"Thanks Jim"  
"No problem"  
The phone went down with a click.  
Sara went back into the bed room having no idea that he'd just heard the conversation. She found him curled into a ball on the bed.

She looked at him with her teary eyes.  
"No No No" He screamed into the pillow. She didn't utter a word...he already knew.  
"Seriously Sara what did I do in a past life to deserve this?" He screamed as she clutched a hold on her grieving husband.

**TBC**


	7. 4 weeks later

**my brain is back after it's long break here's chapter seven.  
Reveiws are welcome. Kabcsi you too!  
Apologys it's not beta-ed**

4 weeks later

"Tell me about your father?"  
Jackson shifted nervously in his chair, resting his forehead upon his hand.

"There isn't much to tell" Replied Jackson, this time he lifted and made eye contact with the aging physiatrist.  
"You never knew him?"

"I know of him, I know who he is but I don't _know_ him" Jackson then brought his hand to his beard, rubbing his chin feeling the groove there. A feature his father gave him. A lot of his features came from his father, his unruly brown curls that did what they wanted to. His wife loved them but Jackson hated his hair...it was hard to style, he always wanted long hair back when he was younger but it seemed to grow into an afro; so it had to be kept short.

The Smile, so much like his father's yet uniquely his own. Most said it was beautiful (especially the ladies) but all he saw was a bunch of acrylic teeth that belonged to nobody.  
and the most redeeming feature; His brain, although it seemed to be wired backwards, could absorb the slightest detail like a sponge.  
If Jackson knew that these features came from his father, he'd probably hate him more.

Jackson Continued "I only met him once...I would have been five years old" the man in the other chair listened attentively, to every word Jackson muttered. He watched how Jackson's point of focus would drift away and look at something on the wall behind him, how his eyes would glaze slightly at the mention of his father. Something in his eyes was missing, empty eyes...like something had been taken away.

Through this haze Jackson continued to speak...his eyes unfocused.  
"I remember bits...like he wore this atrocious aftershave...I smell the aftershave sometimes and it takes me back" he smiled unconsciously happy "He took me to a cubs game and took me for Ice cream" Jackson could remember most of that day in detail, the smells, the weather and the incredibly happy face on both his and his father's face's time when he didn't care because the only thing that mattered was...his father came for him.

_They were seated in a corner booth Jackson's tiny little legs dangling over the edge of the seat...neither could get the grin off their faces.  
"Jackson what would you like to eat?"The boy looked at the menu in front of him, seeing all the ice cream combinations he could have... he looked at the cheapest.  
"Vanilla ice cream please"  
"Just vanilla! You a plain old vanilla boy?"gil chided at the boy knowing his mother was strict or the boy was shy. Grabbing the boy's little hand.  
"come on your mother isn't here...what do you really want?" Jackson smiled giddily and pointed a finger at the chocolate triple.  
"That's my boy" Grissom smiled ruffling the boy's hair. _

"Chocolate triple with sauce and sprinkles" again Jackson smiled in remembrance, he wished he could go back to those times...but he couldn't so much had changed "I just remember having such admiration for this man who promised me the moon and gave me peanuts"

_Jackson was tired, his little legs weren't working much and his small arms dead weight hanging from his shoulders. He'd had the best day ever. But right now he was the tiredest little boy in the world. He'd played catch with his dad...bust his face on a bench, making a mark which was sure to last. Watched a game of baseball, ate a hotdog and now he was pooped._

Gil walked behind the his son noticing how he was no longer walking but plodding along it was then he realised how much he'd missed. The last time he'd saw his little ball of fluff was so long ago...he barely had eye colouring. Now he had a beautiful blue one like him and a beautiful brown one like his mother. It was either the drugs or some genetic mutation...but he was still beautiful.

_Grissom picked up his son and carried him home._  
_Once at the apartment Jackson bushed his teeth got dressed in his Spiderman PJ's and climbed into his bed with his father at his side._  
_"Good night Jackson" whispered gil, stroking Jackson's curls  
_  
_"Good night daddy" said the tired little boy, he yawned then fell into a deep sleep. Grissom watched him sleep, his little eyes closed, his even breathing and his soft little snore._  
_He cried, he cried and cried. He always will._

"He promised me he'd stay But he never came back for me"  
Then an alarm sung, buzzing and shaking.

"Well that's our session" said the old man in the chair as he fumbled to turn the alarm off. "Same time next week?"  
Jackson nodded and left the room stepping into the evening Vegas looked down at his watch  
7:30  
time for work.


	8. Bottom of the bottle

**Sorry for it's shortness...my brain is being naughty and not forming words just Ideas that never matirialize (i spelt that wrong)  
Not beta-ed  
soy sorry for mistakes and sorry for my me if I've made a mistake please!**

* * *

Work entailed of sitting at a bar staring at a note book daring his brain to come up with something .  
After the _accident_, Jackson could no longer function like a normal human being. That _Bastard_ had took _that_ away.

He lost his job because he was physically and mentally unstable. He lost his wife and child because he could no longer love, so he drank.  
He drank because he felt no pain, for a brief moment he wasn't himself.  
He could do anything, he could fuck and he could feel it, but in the morning he could wake up and not have to love her, he could just leave.

Jackson decided to write, the shrink suggested it.  
"_You could write a story, a book, a diary...put your feelings and thoughts down on paper"_  
Doctors orders!

so he did, Jack wasn't getting very far but it seemed to be working he was'nt drinking as much as he was 6 months ago.

This particular night was different.  
It was October 31st and Jackson was 33 years old.

One year older and alone. He'd always been alone.  
Nobody could keep up with him, he excelled in school so they put him two grades in front and he would purposefully fail so he could stay with his friends. Even his friends weren't really friends ,they would never laugh at his jokes, Jackson was too far out in front for them to understand.

He was recruited to join the football team as running back because he had the speed and the skill.  
No one could catch him.  
Jackson grew up without a father. His stepfather abused him, his mother was always high.

His siblings lived with grandfather.  
Always alone always a ghost.  
Getting married, meeting Rachel having a child made him human again then the devil took it away.  
He looked up from his drink And that's when he saw _him_.


End file.
